A common misconception about compassion is that it means being “nice” or suppressing our true feelings in the name of politeness. In one fireside chat, I was asked if participants in Compassionate Coding workshops are resentful: “Oh great, this lady is here to make us be nice to each other.”
Not at all!
Compassion involves understanding suffering and desiring to alleviate it. That doesn’t mean being “nice,” and in fact, it often involves speaking up fiercely for others and ourselves.
Does compassion sometimes involve choosing words that are less likely to hurt others?
Yes. For example, it’s an act of compassion to avoid using the word “crazy” after learning that it can cause harm to people dealing with mental health issues.
Does compassion also sometimes involve making people uncomfortable by speaking up fiercely against injustice?
Yes. For example, it’s an act of compassion to bring attention to discriminatory practices at your company and advocate for change.
Let’s continue exploring the nuances of practicing authentic compassion.
Authentic Compassion Is Fierce
You may be afraid to embrace compassion because you think it means becoming a doormat, letting people walk all over you. It’s important to remember that compassion is a sign of strength, not weakness.
In fact, practicing self-compassion often involves setting clear boundaries that protect you from suffering. Setting boundaries is an example of practicing the “yang” side of self-compassion[1], as described by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer in The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook.
While the yin side of self-compassion may mean offering yourself comfort and emotional support, the yang side of self-compassion includes protecting yourself from harm and actively working toward your goals.
Setting boundaries can also be compassionate toward others because you’re providing clear guidelines on how you’d like to be treated, allowing for healthier interactions and reducing the chance of misunderstanding and resentment.
When one of our boundaries is not respected, though, we may feel angry. As surprising as it may sound, the anger you feel when experiencing or witnessing suffering can be a driving force behind acts of fierce compassion. In the words of Audre Lorde,
“Anger expressed and translated into action in the service of our vision and our future is a liberating and strengthening act…”
Even the creator of Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg, acknowledged the importance of anger, clarifying that compassionate communication “does not encourage us to ignore, squash, or swallow anger, but rather to express the core of our anger fully and wholeheartedly.”
The key here is finding ways to transform the anger into fierce action so that we don’t stay stuck just stewing in our rage. As Karen Armstrong cautions, “When you are engrossed in thoughts of anger, hatred, envy, resentment, or disgust, notice the way your horizons shrink and your creativity diminishes.”
When I felt angry at the harmful culture norms in the tech industry, I decided to transform that energy into starting Compassionate Coding to inspire change. When I feel anger bubbling up now, I ask myself how I can use it for good.
What makes you angry? An exercise I often use in workshops invites participants to reflect on what gets them angry in order to better understand their core needs and values. It can be eye-opening!
To hear different perspectives on working with anger, see Soraya Chemaly’s Rage Becomes Her, Brittney Cooper’s Eloquent Rage, and Andrea Brandt’s Mindful Anger.
Authentic Compassion Is Humble
Humility may seem inconsistent with fierceness, but I don’t see it that way. Humility allows you to see the innate worth in others, which in no way interferes with your ability to see the innate worth in yourself.
Fierceness and humility can be a powerful combination. Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz observed that successful leaders “demonstrated a balanced blend of two seemingly paradoxical qualities: fierce resolve and humility.” [2]
Humility is essential because you cannot authentically show someone compassion while feeling superior to them. Humility is what distinguishes compassion from pity. Pity, or feeling sorry for someone, does not communicate respect. [3]
Some attempts at mentoring suffer from this problem. The mentor may see herself as saving the lost, hopeless mentee, not acknowledging that the other party in the mentoring relationship is also an independent, intelligent human being worthy of equal respect and opportunity.
Another example where ego stands in the way of true compassion is the "white savior" phenomenon, in which white people think they need to “save” other groups, devaluing the culture and agency of those groups in the process.
Authentic compassion means acknowledging the innate dignity in everyone and speaking to that in any interactions.
In practice, humble compassion also means staying curious about the thoughts and actions of others, rather than assuming we are experts on their motivations and behaviors.
Karen Armstrong advises against “discoursing confidently on other people’s motives, intentions, and desires,” and instead encourages us to recognize and respect the inherent mysterious complexity at the heart of every individual.
In conference presentations, I often say that ego is the biggest problem in tech, in part because it blocks compassion. If we can connect with our humility, we will be in a better position to practice respectful compassion and learn from our mistakes along the way.
Authentic Compassion Is Inclusive
I mentioned that anger motivated me to start Compassionate Coding. The specific breaking point came at my last employer.
One of the company culture directives there was, “Be Kind.” Yet when I spoke up about diversity and inclusion problems (I was the only female engineer in a 40-person software development organization, and other diversity statistics were even worse), I was chastised and told the men were “afraid” of me. How could it be “kind” to deter someone from speaking out fiercely against injustice by shaming them about their tone? Fed up with this pattern of hypocrisy, I quit.
The brand of “kindness” valued at that company was used to silence me; that was not inclusive or compassionate.
This is a common pattern in the tech community, where guidelines for respectful communication are weaponized against the very people they were designed to protect.
One reason for this is that it’s easier to feel empathy and compassion for people who are like us, which means it takes more awareness and intentional effort to effectively apply empathy and compassion to people from different groups.
So, in order to make our empathy and compassion inclusive, we need to provide space for different perspectives, even when those perspectives are expressed fiercely and even when they make us uncomfortable. Inclusive compassion sometimes means holding space for the expression of anger while seeking to understand the suffering underneath it. This is particularly important when the anger stems from an unjust power imbalance.
Arguing about JavaScript frameworks is not the same as discussing injustice with someone who has experienced that injustice personally. Consider the power dynamics before engaging in conversations like the latter to avoid putting undue emotional burden on already overly burdened groups.
On a related note, while we may choose to assume positive intentions in typical workplace situations, it’s important to remember this caveat from Difficult Conversations, especially when discussing sensitive issues: “Good intentions don’t sanitize bad impact.” We can seek to understand and address the impact rather than focusing on defending our intentions. [4]
A Lifelong Project
As Karen Armstrong writes, “The attempt to become a compassionate human being is a lifelong project.” I certainly don’t have all the answers—I don’t believe anyone does—and as long as I’m still alive, I have my own inner work cut out for me. I continue to practice self-compassion as I learn, and I hope you do, too.
I do firmly believe that being brave, staying humble, and welcoming diverse perspectives can assist us in our compassion journeys and help us to create a healthier tech industry and a more just and peaceful world.
Footnotes:
[1] Neff’s work on self-compassion has roots in Buddhism. The concepts of “yin” and “yang” used by Neff and Germer derive from Chinese philosophy. I’m personally grateful to spiritual teachers and philosophers throughout history who have been hugely influential in my life and in my work.
[2] I take findings about “successful” leaders with a grain of salt because they often measure “success” based on the unjust systems that run the corporate world. So, feel free to take this one with a grain of salt, too.
[3] Don Miguel Ruiz Jr. explores this distinction in Living a Life of Awareness: “Compassion is having concern for the well-being of others while at the same time respecting their free will….Pity is feeling sorry for others and taking on and carrying their pain and trying to fix it for them.”
[4] The interaction between intent is impact is complex; for example, one’s beliefs about someone’s intentions can affect the perceived impact.