Last week, I hosted a live session to address the Compassionate Coding community about practicing compassion for ourselves and others in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Here are some of the highlights, presented in outline, with the understanding that focus and attention spans may not be at their strongest right now:

Practicing Self-Compassion
- A foundation of self-care gives us the energy to care for others. Self-care is not selfish.
- Even though prominent people in tech are focusing on how to stay productive right now, please remember:
  - You do not have to pressure yourself to be productive right now.
  - Your worth as a human being is not determined by your productivity.
  - Do not beat yourself up for being distracted or unable to focus.
    - Avoid “shoulding” on yourself, e.g. “I should be more productive right now.”
    - When we’re in fight-or-flight mode, we can’t access our higher level thinking, creativity, and complex problem-solving abilities.
    - These are not normal working conditions. People are worried about their literal survival and that of their family. They’re worried about losing their job. People are worried about the state of the world. People can’t do their normal stress-relieving hobbies. These all affect productivity.
    - Many people throw themselves into work to avoid dealing with their emotions. While we don’t need to judge them for that, we also don’t need to adopt their coping mechanisms.
- We are experiencing a collective loss, and everyone responds to a loss in their own way.
  - Whatever you’re feeling or not feeling right now is valid.
  - Try not to judge yourself for your emotions.
  - It’s normal to feel sad, angry, anxious, lonely, numb, etc. when the world is experiencing a pandemic that is isolating us from each other and affecting the future in uncertain ways.
  - Regularly take deep breaths to check in with yourself to see how you’re feeling and what you’re needing.
  - Now’s a good time to start a journal.
  - You’re allowed to feel sad about the little things you’ve lost, like going to your favorite restaurant. Our hearts are big enough to care for others and ourselves.
- If you are particularly empathetic, be particularly gentle with yourself.
  - You are a rarity in the tech community, and others may not understand your emotional response to the suffering of others.
  - Resist comparing your response to that of your peers.
  - Whether your team sees it or not, your highly developed sensitivity will be key in helping your company respond with compassion in the days to come.
  - Make the time for self-care.
  - If you’re starting to feel compassion fatigue, take a break from the news.
- Don’t feel guilty for finding moments of joy in the midst of so much suffering.
  - Finding joy helps us keep going and continue spreading light to others.
  - Gratitude helps build resilience.
    - Make a list of what you are grateful for right now (e.g. that you have shelter and food, that you are able to call family members)
    - If you do find yourself missing something, consider adding it to another gratitude list of what you have had and will have again.
- Keep coming back to the present.
  - Remind yourself that you are safe right here in the present.
  - Practice deep breathing.
  - Try a guided meditation.
  - Use daily chores like washing the dishes and cooking as opportunities to practice mindfulness.
Practicing Compassion for Others

Just as your feelings are valid, so are those of other people.
People are in very different circumstances.
- Some people have already lost loved ones.
- Some people are already sick or caring for people who are sick.
- Some feel more financially secure than others.
- Everyone processes their emotions differently.
- Some people are more sensitive and empathetic than others.
- People have different values and favorite activities that have been affected in different ways by the pandemic.
  - Example: Someone who values in-person interactions is having a different experience from someone who prefers chatting on the web.
  - Example: Someone who loves watching live sports is having a different experience from someone who prefers playing video games.
- People have different home situations.
  - Example: Someone who has kids running around or is going through relationship troubles is having a different experience from someone who is single and living alone.
Avoid judging others for their response to the pandemic.
- Example: Some people have been enjoying listening to Christmas music to calm their nerves. Other people are making fun of them for this.
  - With compassion, we can see that other people are entitled to find comfort wherever they can, as long as they’re not hurting anyone.
  - Humor is a coping mechanism, too, but let’s try to avoid using it against others.
- Imagine what it might be like to live someone else’s life.
People might be annoying or short-tempered.
- In the face of so much uncertainty, some people will do all they can to control something.
- We don’t need to tolerate unkind behavior, but we might consider the pain that’s leading people to act out.
Acknowledge that empathy is challenging from a distance.
- It’s difficult to express and interpret emotions over text communication.
- Try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but also feel free to compassionately address your concerns about people’s behavior.
- Ways you can help others
  - Stay home where possible to reduce the risk of spreading the virus and overwhelming the health care system.
  - Try compassionate listening, even if you can’t change someone’s situation.
  - Offer kind words and generous tips to delivery, grocery, and food service workers.
  - Buy gift cards and order locally to support small businesses that are struggling right now.
  - Sign up for local farmers market boxes.
  - Speak out against discrimination against Asian populations.
  - If you have the means, donate to charities.

3. Reasons to Be Hopeful

Extreme suffering often inspires extreme compassion.
There is already so much compassion happening.
- People are stepping up to make homemade masks for healthcare workers.
- People are offering to shop for their elderly neighbors.
- People are feeding their neighbors’ pets.
- People are having live dance parties and fitness classes on social media to help people feel connected.
- People are reconsidering the ways we exploit animals.
We are seeing how connected we all really are.
With reduced pollution, we see signs of the planet healing itself.
This is a global pause for many people, a chance to rest and rethink our usually harried way of life.

4. Parting Words

Here’s a lovingkindness meditation that you can use when you’re washing your hands, or anytime you want to feel calmer and more connected to others:
- May I be happy
  May I be safe
  May I be free from suffering
  May I be at peace
  
  May you be happy
  May you be safe
  May you be free from suffering
  May you be at peace
  
  May all beings everywhere be happy
  May all beings everywhere be safe
  May all beings everywhere be free from suffering
  May all beings everywhere be at peace
“My friends, do not lose heart. We were made for these times….Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach. Any small, calm thing that one soul can do to help another soul, to assist some portion of this poor suffering world, will help immensely.”
—Clarissa Pinkola Estés

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