Self-Compassion, “Triggers,” and Flourishing

Shortly after I sent the previous newsletter, I saw someone on social media talking about how Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving) was a great day to unsubscribe from mailing lists because of all the marketing emails sent out on that day. 😂 In retrospect, I guess it was risky for me to send an email that could have gotten lost in the shuffle. I’m happy to report there was not a mass unsubscribe event, though, so thank you for staying, and I hope your inbox wasn’t a mess that day!

Today I want to focus on self-compassion because it keeps coming up in conversations, and I think most of us could use more of it.

One of the final sunsets from November. You could absolutely generate a more colorful, vivid, intense one with AI. But this one was real, generated by forces beyond our control. There’s something inherently special in that. I love this quote from psychologist Carl Rogers: “People are just as wonderful as sunsets if I can let them be…When I look at a sunset…I don't find myself saying, ‘Soften the orange a little on the right hand corner, and put a bit more purple along the base…’ I don't do that. I don't try to control a sunset. I watch it with awe as it unfolds.” We control so much on our machines; it’s helpful to balance that out with a surrender to and appreciation for forces outside of our control.

Self-Compassion

This week, I’ve had conversations in various contexts with people struggling with self-worth issues. Am I good enough? Am I capable?

One woman with an amazingly diverse set of skills fears she will never be “good enough” at coding to build a successful career in software development.

Another thoughtful, creative woman shared that she’d been called too emotional and not capable of learning to code, and she keeps replaying those discouraging voices in her head.

I also heard from an empathetic, deeply sensitive friend who confessed that while he’s been trying to take better care of his physical health, he still criticizes himself relentlessly in his mind.

Sometimes I wish I could just wave a magic wand and help people see how wonderful they truly are!

Alas, I cannot. What I can offer is the following:

You have innate worth as a human being. I believe this with all my heart. Whether or not you’ve accomplished anything but surviving this far, you matter.
Much of the negative messaging you’ve received out in the world is from people in pain projecting their own issues or from companies trying to make you feel inferior so you’ll purchase their products. Don’t take it to heart.
Whatever skills you feel you lack at the moment, whatever mistakes you’ve made—you can learn and find a way forward. Think growth over perfection. Take a small step and celebrate. Repeat.
Not everyone will understand your gifts, but the world still needs them! For example, to the people who have been called “too emotional” for coding: tech is in severe need of the human perspective that comes from being in touch with emotions. The tech industry has just been so cold and robotic for so long that it doesn’t always realize that. It’s why I started Compassionate Coding. We need you emotional people! And yes, we can all learn to manage our emotions effectively (see step 3), but turning them off completely is not what we need right now.
Surround yourself with people who reflect your goodness back to you. Yes, sometimes we need people who challenge and even criticize our behavior, but not when we’re struggling with a base level of self-worth. Find warm, nurturing people to support you.
Speak kindly to yourself. Avoid beating yourself up when you’re struggling. As Kristin Neff advises in Self-Compassion, treat yourself as you would treat a good friend. Avoid the “second arrow” of self-judgment. There’s a Buddhist concept of two arrows. A challenging event in life is like being shot with an arrow. We can’t control that. However, the second arrow comes from responding negatively to the event, and it’s optional. For example, being laid off is a first arrow we can’t avoid. The second arrow might involve telling ourselves it’s because we’re no good and we’ll never find another job and nobody likes us. We can choose not to shoot that arrow.

Now, a wide range of people read this newsletter, and maybe you don’t struggle with self-worth. Well, congratulations! Please know that there are many, many people out there who could use some of your kind, encouraging, confident words. Spread praise freely! This sentiment from Wayne Dyer really resonated with me: “See the light in others, and treat them as if it’s all you see.”

Compassion Around the Web

A thoughtful article from Harvey Mudd professor Josh Brake on the “non-technical” skills STEM students need (I wish more professors had this mentality when I took classes at Harvey Mudd back in the day ;-)).
A funny [gleefully offensive] documentary about how comedy can help bridge divides, and how we need to stop it already with hypersensitivity and walking on eggshells.
For the sake of innovation, people probably need to get together at least some of the time (HT Anna Gat, founder of Interintellect).
Compassion for People Who Make Mistakes, where I share my personal thoughts on the DevTernity incident, and more generally my opposition to public shaming.
A refreshing podcast from Braver Angels on how to avoid being “triggered” in tense disagreements.
A video on the connection between flourishing and compassion.

Best wishes during the holiday season! Whatever happens, try not to shoot that second arrow!
💙 April

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